I often hear people say that marriage is hard. I heard it at church today. The speaker's opening line was "marriage is hard." I'm sure many would agree. According to the American Psychological Association, the divorce rate in the U.S is between 40 and 50 percent for first marriages, and even higher for subsequent marriages. But I disagree with the statement that marriage is hard. I think the better statement would be "we can, and often do, make marriage hard."
Cheri and I were discussing this on our way home today. We have been married 33 years, and we both agree that these have been the best years of our lives. It is both humbling and gratifying to hear her tell me that she loves being married to me. I know that I am far from being the perfect man and I am not the perfect husband, but she loves me even when I don't get it right. We have had our share of disagreements over the years, and on rare occasions, have had some harsh words. But overall, we have enjoyed a harmonious relationship characterized by love, cooperation (not compromise - more on that later), and commitment to each other.
I decided to write this today to encourage you, whether you are already married or are contemplating marriage, to not make marriage hard. I fully understand that a harmonious relationship is dependent upon the cooperation of both parties, and if one party is not cooperative, a happy marriage may be out of reach. But, to borrow from the words of the apostle Paul, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with [your spouse]" Rom 12:18). Following are a few thoughts on what it takes to be happily married:
1. Love one another. According to 1 Corinthians 13, "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." Read this. Meditate on what it means to love someone. Memorize this and practice this. I could end this article right here, and if you and your spouse practiced this, you would experience harmony like you have never experienced before. But I'll continue.
2. Regularly, daily if you can, read the Bible and pray together. I know business travel, jobs, kids, and other things can prevent you from doing this everyday. But make the effort to do it as much as possible. Reading and studying the Scriptures, and actively praying is the path that leads to spiritual growth and a deeper affection for one another.
3. Talk to each other. Put down the phone and tablet, turn off the TV, and talk to each other. Take interest in what your spouse has to say, how their day went, what they're excited about, or what they fear. Talk to each other about things that annoy you. But be kind and be receptive to what the other has to say. Do not react selfishly or defensively. Make the effort to accommodate one another.
4. Cooperate with each other. This is not the same as compromise. Compromise says "I will meet you halfway. If you will agree to this, I will agree to that." Cooperation means that you work together to accomplish or do something. Sometimes it means doing it their way instead of your way, but not in a way that keeps score. Don't fall into the trap of "we did it your way last time, its my turn this time." Listen to each other and work together in what you want to accomplish.
5. Resolve your conflicts privately. Don't air your grievances in front of others, and don't run your spouse down in the presence of your friends. If needed, seek the counsel of a trusted friend or counselor who pursues wisdom from God, and then talk with your spouse. Be kind to each other.
6. Keep your mind and your heart in tune with God. Pursue a personal relationship with him, exercising the spiritual disciplines of worship, prayer, reading and studying the Bible, and serving others. If your relationship with God is right, your relationship with your spouse, so far as you are able to contribute, will be right.
7. Pray for one another. I can't tell you how many times Cheri has told me she is praying for me. She realizes that there is only so much she can do on her own to help and encourage me. But our God is greater than anything we face. Lift up your spouse to God in prayer everyday.
8. Put some Alan Jackson on the stereo and slow dance on the patio. Okay, maybe you're not a fan of Alan Jackson, but keep the romance alive in your marriage. Be spontaneous, do fun things, and enjoy each other's company.
Marriage doesn't have to be hard. Love your spouse, be humble and kind. Discover how happy and satisfying your relationship with your spouse can be!