I wrote this post eight years ago, when Cheri and I were mentoring a group of newly married couples. Although the apostle Paul’s discussion of love in 1 Corinthians 13 is easily applied within the context of marriage, he was actually addressing love from the broader context of the church. When Christians walk by the Spirit, love is the motivation for all that we do. It is the greatest of all of the gifts of the Spirit. Jesus commanded his disciples, “... just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another” (Jn 13:34b). Paul helps us understand what love is.

 LOVE IS

It has been a real joy the past couple of months to get to know the young couples in our small group.  It’s exciting to listen to them share their experiences as they relate to the topics that we discuss. It’s also inspiring to know that they are committed to each other, and they want to grow together in their marriage relationships. One of our discussion questions last night caught my attention. In order to answer it, I had to think back to about 30 years ago when I first met Cheri. The question was “How have your ideas about love changed as you’ve gone from dating to engagement to marriage?” 

After our first date, I was smitten. There was just something about Cheri that made me stop in my tracks and say “Wow!” She was drop-dead gorgeous, extremely smart, and she seemed to like me. I spent every moment with her that I could because I wanted to get to know her. But looking back at that phase of our relationship, I realize I was more interested in receiving her admiration and attention that in learning how to love her.

After three years of dating, I proposed to her on her 21st birthday. I had playfully asked her if she would marry me a number of times, just to see what she would say. She would hold our her hand, smile at me, and say, “Where’s the ring?” That was always assuring, because she never said “no”. She always left the door open for when we were ready to make a lifetime commitment to each other. When I did officially propose, she asked, “Where’s the ring?” and held out her hand, just as she always did. This time, I slipped the ring onto her finger, and she said yes! 

We were apart for most of the year that we were engaged. I graduated just a few weeks after we made it official, and went home to Tennessee to find a job. Cheri had another semester in school in South Carolina, and then went home to Illinois to plan our wedding. But during that year, we were committed to each other. We wanted to get married, and we were determined that nothing would come between us or stand in our way. 

Since our wedding day (almost 35 years ago!), I have continued to learn what it means to love Cheri. My perspective has changed from what it is about Cheri that makes me happy to what can I do for her, not only to make her happy, but to make her feel secure in my love. Sometimes she only wants me to listen; other times she needs my words of affirmation. But loving her often means paying attention to what I’m doing. Am I growing in my relationship with God, thereby encouraging her to grow as well?  Am I responding with kindness, or am I acting selfishly when things don't go my way? Am I willing to do whatever I need to do to love her well?

When Christ lives in us, we have the ability to love selflessly. Paul defines love in this way: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends … faith, hope and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love” (I Cor 13:4-8, 13 ESV). Does Paul’s definition describe the love you have for your spouse? For others? This is true love. It takes effort. It means considering others more important than yourself (Phil 2:4). It’s not always easy, but through Christ, it is always possible!